The Basis of an Enduring connection that keeps our children Safe and Loved
He was almost Six years old when I first came into my step-sons life, a positive little man who was encouraged to explore his own persona by his beautiful mother… He’s almost 16 now, I can’t believe we shared almost 7 years as a family. And I am so glad and happy to have called my self his step-father…
His mum and I ended our journey as a couple almost 4 years ago, the challenges we faced as a couple and family becoming increasingly more difficult to navigate due to the bullying from my own family. Sometimes we must keep those we love safe, no matter how tough it is on our own hearts.
There is no easy way to end a relationship, especially if it’s one full of deep love and a real connection to each other. But eventually if love is undermined by fear and external pressures their comes a time a call needs to be made. For the health and wellbeing of all involved. I my self know how hard it was trying to remain balanced when fear and pressure from others ravaged my relationship with such an amazing woman and beautiful child.
There’s no easy way to write these words, if you have a broken relationship and others around you are not being constructive, or they are offering you balanced advice then you need to put space between your self and those people. It is this negative energy that will prevent you from keeping those you actually still love safe.
As I’ve written in other articles and books, it’s impossible to just stop loving someone. Your sanity and children must come first. But we are not discussing the complex struggles in this article. We are delving into the true need to maintain respect, focus on the love that once brought you together and the need to show your children that they are truly loved by both parents.
My love for my step-sons mum was and still is very pure, I don’t hold a grudge, speak of her in a negative way, I still see the woman I fell in love with and the amazing young man that my now ex-stepson has become… I take pride in knowing I love him and still offer support and friendship to this amazing young man… Why? Because we simply must as men offer our next generation a balanced view of life.
Yes the end of my relationship hurt, it hurt like hell… Was I angry, hmmmm not sure, I don’t believe so, I was lost, very lost and I think this is where men struggle to own up to their feelings. We think that it’s “soft” or “weak” to show how much we are hurting. We transfer our feeling of hurt into resentment… I know I didn’t do this… Instead I looked at my own role in the dismantling of the loving relationship and family… I needed to see where I had made my own mistakes and fix them in the presence of my ex-partner and her son. Why? Because I love them. Because I want them to feel that they can still feel ok about me too.
But most of all, because I want them to still live a life of happiness, and equally as important I want to live a life of happiness too. I’ve found that my own happiness is connected to how I feel about others, and looking back on the great things I did with my ex-partner and her son makes me feel content and happy about that journey.
We all deserve love, we all deserve respect, what better way to still have that than to maintain what was or is the basis of family. To show your children that you did and still do still love them, that they were never responsible for the issues or breakdown of your family, and as adults you are both still full of love for them. Show them that you are able to be respectful and loving as people, and prefer to teach your children that they deserve respect and love too.
Recently I wrote my ex-partner a letter, in this letter I wished her, my ex-stepson and her new partner a safe and happy life together… This was so important, because I want the same from them, I want to still love and support the young man who spent almost 7 years being my son… Who I helped with homework. And played sport with, who laughed when I fell off my bike and learnt it was ok to speak about how he feels.
I can’t say it enough, being friends with my ex-partner remains one of my most important of life’s lessons, because I am responsible for the enduring balance of the young man who’s eventually going to become a father. His balance will come from the lessons he’s learnt and showing him how to remain positive about life is the key.