The Spectrum of Life… Lies, grief and trauma – the indifference of judgement

IMG_3219 NEOM

I wrote in my book “The Motive of the conversation” this quote “We are what we create” the quote has recently morphed – “We are what we create – and more importantly what we are prepared to understand and accept.”

In the photo attached to this post is a brain dump of the work I am focused on as I prepare for my next assignment in the Middle East – developing the strategy for the NEOM city of the future… The difficulty I now face is that the spectrum of life I have lived is forcing me to ask new and even more difficult questions about life and humanity as we live it.

I have found myself at a stage of my life where I am being tested, I am being reminded that we are all deeply fragile, and more importantly we are all imperfect.

I can put my hand on my own heart and say that I have walked my life fully capable of deep and enduring forgiveness, this  ability to place myself in the shoes of other people has been both a blessing and a curse… In many ways the blessing can be explained in this way…

I have loved, I have loved beyond the realms of normality, to be in this place of deep and absolute love I have accepted the imperfections of the souls I have loved, this has not always been possible, however with the souls I speak of and write about here I can say without any doubt that I have loved with all of me… from the depths of my soul, my spiritual essence, physically and emotionally… And this love has allowed me to accept the path and choices these souls have walked. As a partner and prior to my journey with them…

My own life has been a mix of trauma, shame and grief, mixed with achievement, turning adversity into positive energy, and also deception… Deception in regard to my vision of myself and also others…

But lets stay focused on the love… my mum, who I loved dearly, and even now still love and honour, even though she as passed lived a difficult life. Her journey was conflicted, self medicating with Alcohol and prescribed drugs. I share this not to speak badly of my mum, but to acknowledge the trauma that drove her to such a troubled journey. My mum passed at 70 years of age, under circumstances I still struggle to come to terms with. I have also walked my own grief and difficulties based on losing friends and family who were addicted to recreational drugs… again something I find difficult because I could have done more to help or prevent the circumstances.

So, the spectrum of life, by default I have chosen not to use my trauma to self medicate, I have a made choices or decisions to walk my own journey in this regard..

So to my journey of love… both of the souls I know I have loved have had their own journey with Alcohol, Drugs and relationships… both of them experienced huge trauma and abuse… something I have also experienced in my life, my own journey being mired with Violence from my father…

But I chose to understand, I made a conscious decision to understand their past, the decisions, the choices, the decision to self medicate, to create a place of numbness… I understood, more importantly I never judged… I just decided to love.

So lets come to my own journey, I have had to lie my whole life, the beatings I had as a child meant I would turn up at school and lie, I had fallen down the stairs, or had a bad weekend racing my motor-cross bike as a kid. Or I had fallen off my bike, I lost track of the lies… The need to protect my mum from the looks and questions at school. And this journey became the norm…

I can list the moments, protecting my brother from the police when he was drunk or high on drugs when my mum called me on weekends he was on a bender… Renting a house for my mum and her partner, lying to friends about their financial situation so they were accepted on the lease. lying to my partner about paying the same lease… the list is endless… years and years of it.. protecting them, and compromising my own life…

But what do you do, how do you navigate the potential that you could ruin someone else’s life by simply just telling the truth.. in my own way I just made excuses for it…

I don’t believe there is a person on the planet that has not lied, deceived or hidden something to protect someone they love… me? I am no different…

But the shame this causes is huge, its debilitating and in my experience it has almost ended my life… but what I have come to learn recently is my ability to have huge amounts of compassion, of understanding and to be able to place myself in the shoes of the souls I love, is not reciprocal… people are not always prepared to understand or want to accept that they may also be in the same place you are, or have made the same choices.

This is the full spectrum of life, people are not always prepared to see life through your eyes, understand your perspective, or have the ability to own their choices so that they understand yours.

We are in the end alone on this journey, we may have loved a soul with all that we can be, we may have been courageous enough to own our mistakes, our deception or the reasons for it, but in reality we are alone when we make those choices.

NEOM – I sat with my team this morning discussing the need for compassion, understanding and emotional intelligence, the ability to understand on every level, that we are all human and imperfect. But does that mean we should walk life being indifferent to each other? how can we judge someone sitting on the side of the path with no shoes, do we know his or her story? do we truly know?

My own story is one of trying to do my best, and sometimes failing and sometimes achieving beyond the expectations of myself and those I love.. But I have made huge mistakes… I grieve the lost of those I have loved, but I know I loved them, I wish that they had taken the time to understand me the way I understood them.. but we all have different perspectives, all have different visions and different abilities to understand.

I realised recently that having people being indifferent towards you, even when you are prepared to face your own demons is one of life’s most difficult journeys. For others this indifference is just a choice people make when they don’t want to check themselves for the things they have done… I have come to see this moment as an opportunity for self growth, self reflection and self engagement and to be a better person.

I still carry the lies for the souls I have loved, why? because I can never openly speak out about the choices they made or more importantly judge them for making those choices… I am in the end compassionate and see that I am also imperfect too…

My mum? I walk my biggest lie because of guilt, knowing my own journey May in 2013 and the choice made to drive home whilst tired was responsible for her passing, and still not reconciling with it… We all carry out own baggage and demons… hopefully they offer us time to reflect and find peace…

The Motive

 

 

Author: Only One, But a lion!

Only One; But A Lion! Writer, blogger and explorer of life... Writer, blogger and explorer of humanity-single dad-story teller-giver of hugs... wiper of tears- I am imperfect.. but hope is eternal 💕 Exploring the Motive of Conversation, events, who we are and how to heal from trauma... These are my words, from my soul, bound with hope, love and a willingness to share, to open the minds, hearts and souls of others ~ Hope - it’s the best and last of all things ~ The Motive

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