I am reminded daily of my journey at the moment, mainly through grief, the moments of darkness, waking in the middle of the night, echo’s of the words of love I offered in her moments of distress… never judging, never being indifferent to her pain and anguish. listening to the explanations, choices and decisions she’d made…
All along knowing I was also imperfect… That I had also made bad or difficult choices, I had also been through trauma, and hidden myself from the world based on half-truths and deception… needing to feel secure in my emotional hiding place..
But I understood… I truly did, and when the time came to accept I chose to stand by her side and believe in her journey… why? because of love, because I can not be indifferent to the needs of another human, and I have felt the deep, uninhibited pain of grief… I often reflected on the moments that my heart broke for her… I wrote how I felt about it in my journal… words of love and understanding..
“Grief and being shown another souls pain…. journaling 2/3/18..
I sat on her bed late this afternoon, watching the beautiful woman I’ve come to love, we’ve been apart for weeks, actually 9 weeks to be exact. And we’ve grown as a couple and as individuals too. I knew that by leaving Australia and coming here we would become more as a couple.
I’ve come to realise as I’ve navigated this journey that real and pure love is complicated, mainly because of the depth that the souls connect. As I travelled writing “The Motive” I was shown many times that relationships have complex corners. They are layered with the energy and junctions where emotions take different paths. Most of all relationships are dictated by the pasts of the people in them.
Importantly as a deeply empathetic soul I’ve realised that most people are lost in the past and simply do not know how to love in the moment. This isn’t necessarily a reflection of their sexual activity in their relationship, more a reflection of their emotional and spiritual connection to the person they ‘say’ they love. And this can potentially impact on their sexual connection, but not always.
Why do I say this? Well, I realised again today that what I’ve seen more and more as I’ve travelled and paid attention, is that people struggle to display the ability to de-escalate emotionally and often this impacts their ability to forgive and lean into an emotionally important action… the action of hugging the other person who’s in pain. And I’ve learnt that the actual need to hug someone is born from our most important muscle memory.. the memory of feeling physically safe as a baby and child.
As I sat listening to the woman I’ve come to love today, I was reminded to just be that person for her. The one soul who just listened and gently physically and emotionally hugged her. I realised that as she spoke and read out loud how much of the past she’s being forced to re-live. I realised that her grief is very real and that I was seeing again how truly trusting and beautiful people can and often do have their past hurts used against them by other people.
My heart truly ached for her today as she read out loud the words”
I have found myself in a place of shame and hurt, having my past, my mistakes and my failures used…I have made mistakes, huge ones, but I am not a person who intentionally hurts people – indifference in regard to my courage and willingness to own myself, and my willingness to hold myself accountable… never making excuses, but finding a way to own myself… I have been forced to re-live moments of my past that I had hidden or attempted to run from because of shame, guilt or fear… having them used as a reason to validate the indifference I now face, I have felt shame, the kind of shame that pushes one to the brink of life… This moment… it is my lesson… to understand that giving compassion and love will not mean it will be returned… when you face climbing that mountain you’ve avoided your whole life… you may find the one person you believed would take your hand and climb it with you will actually turn and walk away… more importantly, at that moment they may push you over the cliff and say, you deserve to fall…
All you can hope for is a safe place to land in your vulnerability, and that the path to the point of safety is one you can navigate on your own in safety ~ The Motive…