We are human, we are fragile and imperfect… we are all lost and trying to find ourselves..

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What is it to reflect, to look past society’s noise and belief of what or who we should be and find a deeper self… Whilst I was in hospital in June 2016 I was gifted an opportunity to see first hand what detachment from feelings can cause to a soul who’s not prepared for what life is presenting in the moment…

Whilst in my bed in the Princess Alexander Hospital… Having been in the surgical ward for some time now waiting to have yet another operation I sat watching the other patients on the ward… Opposite me was lovely old guy called Peter… He was 81 and has clearly lived a truly hard working life… This is my reflection of his experience yesterday…

It was 2:30pm and Peter had been back on the ward for 5 hours after having a very big operation on his face, removing a melanoma… Peter’s doctor walked into the ward with a registrar… He sat with Peter and asked how he was feeling. Peter replied “I’m sore but looking forward to going home” the response from his Doctor was shocking.. The Doctor said “unfortunately Peter we need to do another operation, we took a needle and biopsy and the cancer has traveled into your lymph nodes in your neck, it’s a big operation and will take about 5 hours to do what is a complicated operation, and if he did not have it he would not live past 2 years”

There was no preparation or gentleness in his words, no opportunity for Peter to take a breath and ask any questions, the Doctor simply got up and left…

I looked across at this lovely old man who was still recovering from his surgery earlier that morning and watched him slowly fall apart… Not only did this man have to try to understand what had just been said to him, but he then had to phone his own family and try to explain…

What is appropriate? What is it that we have come to expect from society when a person can be told such devastating news and then be left to tell his loved ones… Have we become so cold that we simply just think of our selves before the wellbeing of others…

I reflected on this for a little while as Peter sat and just looked at the ceiling above his bed… After about 20 minutes I got out of my own bed and walked over and sat with him… I asked if I could help… First he said no… But then he finally looked at me and with a tear rolling down his cheek he asked me to call his partner and son… This complete stranger who now needed my help to break the news to his family…

Has humanity become so cold and insular that we have lost touch with our ability to consider those who walk along side of us… Are we so lost in our own thoughts that we simply do not have time to help those more in need than our selves…

I spent the rest of my day yesterday just listening to Peter tell me about his life, he asked me to sit with him when his Doctor came today.. Peter asked if there was a risk that he could die on the operating table… For 24 hours this lovely old man had sat terrified that he could pass away and leave his partner and children and grandchildren alone… I asked the Doctor to explain what was going to happen and then as he got up to leave I took him to one side and asked him why he felt it was appropriate to do what he’d done the day before… The Doctors response was shocking… “There are nurses here for that”

Reflection and humility, if the people who are trained to take care of us are so lost that they lack these traits… What are we left with?

I was sitting there facing my own operation, in many ways I’m glad I was here, and looking past my own worry and concern about my own illness… Little did I realise that only 12 weeks later I’d be experiencing the same feelings Peter had felt… Just being able to help this amazing old man tell his partner and children and to ease the trauma he was facing reminded me to remain human at the time.. to reflect on the journey others are walking and to look past my own moments to realise others may simply need a moment of love from a complete stranger… One random act of kindness in a world that seems to become colder and more void of unconditional love…

At the time I watched him… I listened more to his stories as he seemed to be downloading his past and trying to understand what’s facing him… I feel inadequate in many ways… Wishing I could do more, but knowing listening to him until he was ready to face his life changing moment…

Me? It’s reminded me that I need to reflect more, to remain true to my own belief that giving to others in a time of need is what humanity is truly about… People will always judge you, especially those who simply want to take what they believe they deserve or have a right too… It’s your own ability to know your self that truly matters.. Was calling Peters wife and son easy? No, but it was easier than watching this lovely old man struggle to find the words to tell them whilst not even being able to understand him self…

The following day as I prepared for what was the beginning of a long journey of operations, CT scans and moments where I would see people speaking but not really hear them… I had a call from the person I’d spent the last 6 years loving… Stuck in the US and struggling to understand her own journey.. I did my best to put my own stuff down and help… In some ways it was a needed distraction.. But has lead to a feeling of frustration as again I am blamed for protecting others from an energy that simply isn’t mine…

Over the next 12 weeks I had 8 CT scans, and 5 operations, medicine that makes your body feel like lead… Like it’s not yours and brings a level of pain I can’t begin to put words around… I spoke to more doctors, specialists and nurses than I had in 45 years of motorcycle racing and crashes…

But what really presented its self over this time and period was how to see clearly… I laid alone before every operation, and again in recovery after every operation… I can’t wrap words around the pain kidneys can bring to the body… I don’t remember being so lost in the feeling before, even with broken bones and headaches from brain surgery… Nothing compares to kidney pain… Being afraid to wee because you know it’s going to be horrible… But nothing prepared me for the nights awake on morphine and the nightmares… When you are alone in your own room, listening to machines beep and the sound of liquid drugs being pumped into your body there is not much time for sleep.. And even if you do sleep, it’s the 30 minute blood pressure checks that stop you from dozing into the repetitive nightmares…

The doctors were great, lots of smiles, words and explanations, I felt like I’m human and they wanted to help… But it’s not as simple as taking the boxes and boxes of pills and medications I now have to pump into my body to stop it from hurting… A balancing act now… Pump drugs into the body to reduce the pain in the left kidney but realise that the quality of life is being shortened because the liver is being smashed… An interim solution until I go back for more tests in November and another operation… More of the same…

I reflect, often…

It’s difficult to explain to those who aren’t able to “see forward” but knowing the future brings its own difficulties… Loving someone who is not willing to see past them selves is almost impossible… Protecting others from this energy whilst wanting to gently find a way to open the spirit is absolutely impossible… If I’ve learnt anything this past 12 months, It’s that nothing prepares you for the numbing silence of your own thoughts whilst laying in hospital… These moments can make you, or break you…

I walk my path now making sure I breathe every day.. Think every day and feel every day…. I prepare and pray for my soul to be at peace with those who wait for me…

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Author: Only One, But a lion!

Only One; But A Lion! Writer, blogger and explorer of life... Writer, blogger and explorer of humanity-single dad-story teller-giver of hugs... wiper of tears- I am imperfect.. but hope is eternal 💕 Exploring the Motive of Conversation, events, who we are and how to heal from trauma... These are my words, from my soul, bound with hope, love and a willingness to share, to open the minds, hearts and souls of others ~ Hope - it’s the best and last of all things ~ The Motive

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