I should have known!!

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I should have known… I should have, in the end no amount of running will prevent the reality of life from catching you.. and if your heart is pure and your intentions are in your own mind honourable… you will be nudged or shoved back into your lane… and I should have known..

And when that moment comes your inner voice is relentless… you question why? Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why have I protected them when they judge me… why?

Well let me explain why?

Because if we told the truth about those we protect we would bring harm and pain to their lives… This is not an excuse either… it is simply a fact… but I made the choice to protect them rather than myself… ironically this past month has been harder than any I’ve experienced in life… And I’ve experienced many…

but I should have known… I simply should have… loving someone who I knew was as broken as I am would be difficult.. but I had hoped she’d understand my brokenness as much as I understood hers… but I should have known…

I think about my choices, especially my choices professionally, those moments clarified my integrity… that I was able to put my own life and journey at risk for others… and still am… fighting for the mums and dads and pensioners who’ve lost their life savings… I chose to stand up for them… I chose…

The legal system is truly a place where trust and compassion are void and do not exist… but again I should have known..

I can not wrap words around the moment that my attempt to take my life in August came… I just know that I was overwhelmed with guilt… The difficulties with holding someone else’s behaviour in your own core is that eventually you are saturated…

That feeling of “I can’t take one more step or one more word of abuse” is very real, and when they are loaded with guilt, accusation and hate, they lower a dark cloud over your own soul.. especially when you know you’ve tried to protect them… I should have known…

in the end… I should have known..

i should have known that in my darkest time I’d be alone… why… because I’ve lied to protect others and the darkness that brings has been my choice!!!

What i also should have known was those same people lie, and because it’s easier to turn on you than own their choices or whisper “I understand because I’ve been there too” they attack you to validate themselves..

the irony? “Their perception of you is a reflection of them”

 

Author: Only One, But a lion!

Only One; But A Lion! Writer, blogger and explorer of life... Writer, blogger and explorer of humanity-single dad-story teller-giver of hugs... wiper of tears- I am imperfect.. but hope is eternal 💕 Exploring the Motive of Conversation, events, who we are and how to heal from trauma... These are my words, from my soul, bound with hope, love and a willingness to share, to open the minds, hearts and souls of others ~ Hope - it’s the best and last of all things ~ The Motive

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