I forgive you.. I understand that you are broken too, and because I know what brokenness feels like.. and the difficulty life presents, I forgive you… I forgive you because you are human and imperfect in your humanity.
Why? Because we all, every single one of us, is carrying some kind of deep sorrow.. some kind of pain and some kind of trauma..
As I re write the final chapters of my book “the Motive” I am forced to reconsider the ethos of the book itself and the meaning of the words.. mainly because I am forced to reconsider my own decisions and vision of life. And some of my own values..
however, I know with a depth of my own soul and spirit that my decisions have been bound with the knowledge that I am trying my hardest. The difficulties I face now as someone who’s attempting to climb his mountain are many… do I speak up, do I defend myself, do I speak out, do I stand my ground and tell the world who those who now judge me have been?
My soul and spirit tell me that there is no joy in “throwing them under the bus,” that I gain no spiritual peace from unloading my guilt, angst or trauma upon them… but how do I find peace whilst having to still carry their story as a part of my life? Especially if I’ve loved them and they profess to have loved me too… it is complicated and emotionally difficult… I want to be at peace with myself too.
I sat with my team in the office discussing the responsibilities we face as specialists who are attempting to change the way energy is provided across the planet and to end energy poverty. We have a responsibility as people to consider the welfare of others… that means sometimes putting them before ourselves. My team in many ways saved my life, they reminded me that my worth is important to them, having had people I’ve loved act in a way that showed little interest in my worth as a person, let alone some who’s loved them.
my choice to forgive them is one based on freeing myself from their perspective of me, I am not responsible for their actions, only my own, and as a deeply spiritual soul I am capable of forgiveness and the ability to reflect on my life decisions, including understanding why they have lied in their lives too… and the trauma created that journey.
I’ve learnt whilst on this part of my journey that no matter how many deeply spiritual moments of love and understanding you create, how many times you show forgiveness, it will not translate into forgiveness if you have failed yourself…
As one of my friends reminded me only yesterday, as I spoke about the past month and my attempt to take my life, his response to my thoughts were: You are a good person, you’ve never sold drugs to children, you’ve never placed children, old people or the infirm in danger… you’ve cared for those you love, flown to the UK to rescue your own children, you have defended strangers, you’ve given strangers money, you’ve given homeless people clothing, you’ve rescued family members who were in despair and in trouble, you’ve loved another persons children as your own. You have accepted people and loved them even though they are broken, You’ve helped people who are lost to find their way, You’ve made reducing energy poverty your mission, you’ve fought for people in court who do not even know you, and that journey has almost destroyed your life.. You attempted to take your life because people you have loved and protected have turned on you and their vilification has been huge… yet those people have made the same mistakes and choices you have and refuse to own theirs. And more than all of that, you have forgiven them. You have not thrown them under the bus to defend yourself.. they know who they are yet they are safe living in their own impropriety…
I sat quietly and listened to his words, knowing that I have a long way to travel now, every step slowly taking me on a more peaceful journey. I am not ashamed that I have a soft heart, and even though I am now taking a journey of alone, I am free of the judgement and having to defend myself against other peoples mistakes and their vilification…
My own soul knows the softness of forgiveness… and I hold that as my own truth ~ The Motive🙏🏼