The hardest conversation is with yourself… The guilt… The truth… The self loathing! And eventually the self-forgiveness too! – edited🙏🏽

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EDITED!! 🙏🏽

The hardest conversation is with yourself… The guilt… The truth, the self-loathing! The moment of self-forgiveness too!

I am sharing this because it is the truth, because with all of the other stuff, I need to let it out… Not that I want to have any form of understanding or need any one’s compassion, I am healing… But I need to expunge it, and telling the truth about it feels important…

There is a numbness to the moment you attempt to end your life…

I remember the moment, driving home in August, having been emotionally abused for the level of debt I had caused by protecting the share-holders of the company I had been running… I was doing what was right, yet I was being punished… not simply punished, but having my whole life destroyed…

The feeling of overwhelming guilt, why didn’t I just openly express what was going on for me? Why did I not speak up, or speak out… something I had been subconsciously taught to do, hide from the truth, from the age of 5… “Don’t tell your teacher” I remember my mum saying… Or “tell them you fell off your bike” so that they would not question the broken bones or other injuries… not once did I tell anyone… I just lied and lied and lied… why? Because I was protecting my mum, protecting others… because being honest would mean more of the same… And eventually as a child you believe you must of done something to deserve the anger and the outcomes…

But driving home? The same behaviours as an adult…

The overwhelming feeling, shame, grief, guilt… yep, the guilt… There it was, that feeling of I can not breathe and face another second of this… I hate myself!!!

It is hard to explain the moment… the very moment you decide to say that’s enough.

The first time I felt it this year was getting off the plane from the UK in March, the shame and guilt… I just couldn’t face myself any more, I had let those I loved down… the feeling that I could not breathe… could not catch my breath… how on earth could I feel like this… again… and again…

It’s not something you plan either… you don’t sit there planning it, the feeling comes over you like a wave, the guilt… the desperate wish that you could change the past… go back, not say or be the way you were… to de-escalate the moment, but it’s impossible… and this year the failure was overwhelming…

having faced so much other stuff, so much of the courage I had was already expended from the professional decisions I had made to protect others… the personal decisions I had made to protect the person I was in love with….

The feeling of not being able to breathe transfers into not wanted to breathe, not wanting to be here for another moment… no fear, no desire to take another step… just enough of enough…

The action of not wanting to be here… I can not ever remember planning it, I was just numb, out of breath, and this is the reality of self-loathing… a lack of

There was absolutely no room left for any selflove, any ability to reflect and feel compassion for myself… this is not the same as being a victim, I was punishing myself… blaming myself… and hating myself… March I took 80 paracetamol, a full box of sleeping tablets and anything else I had in the house, I am not a drinker yet I drank a bottle of wine too, just to make sure… I don’t really remember the following week, how long I was in hospital, I just know the feeling of guilt that I was still here was even worse…. Even more intense and even harder… and facing the one person I loved was even harder… how do you tell them you’ve been in such an emotional mess that you attempted to end your life…. YOU DON’T, you tell them a lie… because the shame is simply too much… Just so you know, there is no coming back from this moment… I attempted this journey 5 times before I finally faced myself this year and came to this place…

I decided today to write this piece, to be honest, to speak out, to speak about my depression, to tell my story… because I have taken this journey of self-loathing several times over the past 5 years… all stemming from abuse, guilt and trauma… and the belief that I was no longer of any value to anyone…

Again, I am not victim seeking anyone’s sympathy or anyone’s validation, I am sharing my story so that I can heal myself, I can free myself from the heaviness of the trauma I have previously elected to carry, and forgive myself… in this moment I have chosen to put it down…

For those I hurt in the process of carrying this load, I will always be sorry, and for those who knew and kept pursuing the opportunity to abuse… I am free of your load too, I forgive you and understand you carry your own brokenness and load… I hope you find the courage to take your journey too, and find peace in this lifetime… you no longer have a hold over me and I let you go in this moment of forgiveness…

The hardest conversation is with yourself, the guilt, the truth, the self-loathing! The moment of self forgiveness too! 

I thank you for reading my blog… my time breathe has arrived ~ The Motive 🙏🏽💕

Author: Only One, But a lion!

Only One; But A Lion! Writer, blogger and explorer of life... Writer, blogger and explorer of humanity-single dad-story teller-giver of hugs... wiper of tears- I am imperfect.. but hope is eternal 💕 Exploring the Motive of Conversation, events, who we are and how to heal from trauma... These are my words, from my soul, bound with hope, love and a willingness to share, to open the minds, hearts and souls of others ~ Hope - it’s the best and last of all things ~ The Motive

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