I wanted to share some of my story, I’m sure those of you that are reading this blog already know some of it… but as I re-write the book “Dark Side of the Mood” I have decided to write it from a more personal perspective… with that in mind I am starting from the present and working backwards.. a new form of writing for me🙏🏼
Please understand that I’ve pulled this directly from the manuscript and haven’t spell checked or edited it, I feel that for those of you I’m on this journey with, understanding my soul begins with the way I write and how it feels for you and I.
thank you for sharing your time with me whilst I heal and re-build myself. Your words of encouragement and opinions have created a warmth for me as I heal… Pete~The Motive🙏🏼💕
“My Story… My truth, my journey…”
‘We are what we create – but what if that creation has actually been built from the pieces of other people’s stuff”
To tell this story properly I must start from August 2017…. From the very first time I actually felt my soul resonate on a level that felt different, not that I have not felt love, I have felt huge love, in fact I have truly been loved on levels that I completely misunderstood until now.
Those moments of love I will share later, but for now I want to return to the present… this moment, mainly because it has not quite ended yet.
I wrote in a blog post recently “do not feel sad, every journey has an ending” and this has only just truly become my absolute truth, I have carried the deepest grief and trauma, mainly because I have spent the last 20 years punishing myself… yep, 20 years… again, lets come to that later, for now we need to be courageous enough to explore and tell the truth… and this requires courage, but as a really good friend of mine told me in 2017, “you can not fall from the truth.” But the difficulty in facing the truth can lead to huge guilt. Something I want to talk about as I share my story with you.
So to August 2017, I’d been writing on Instagram for about 7 months, and if I am to be totally honest I found myself slowly healing, knowing that I still had some monumental mountains to climb, but I was slowly healing, and in that knowledge, I knew was gently turning to face the truth… A truth that I had been running from for 5 of those 20 years.
I was slowly beginning to shift myself too, from a place of internal deception to a place of gentle understanding, I have always been a good person deep within my own soul, helping others, those less fortunate and the needy, from someone broken down, to homeless to poor people who can not pay their bills… Don’t get me wrong, I have also made some huge and awful mistakes too, and in those moments I’ve hurt people I love and who have loved me…
(By the way, this is not a story of a victim, I am writing this to recognise that good people make bad mistakes, and having the courage to own them is a huge step to reconciliation of your own heart and soul)
August 2017, and I was slowly regaining my own mind-space, and posting messages and words from my soul on my media platforms, slowly letting my own words resonate from within and settle into my own bones. Gently replacing the trauma from the past, but I still had a long way to go too, a long long way. But I did not know that at the time, and I found myself opening to another soul who was also in and on a journey of trauma… I totally understood, and in that moment, I felt my soul resonate on a level I had never really felt before. I found myself in a place of deep familiarity and as I listened to her, I realised that she was telling me some of my own story… This was very new for me, and in the moments that followed I fell in love… a love that was going to be built on ‘everything and nothing…’ And in loving her I gave away the part of me that was healing, only that part was wrapped in the pain, the deception and difficulties I had been navigating myself.
I had chosen to give away the small part of me that I had been slowly nurturing, and in that moment all I had left for me to face myself was the darkness of my own regret and guilt. As I’ve said, something I had been nurturing for 5 years, and had been seeded for over 20… But, none of that mattered, I loved her, loved her with all of me…
In our first communications I came to understand her trauma, the miserable marriage, the abuse she had endured, and the decisions she had made, even the ones where she had been with other men whilst she was married, I understood all of it, every single aspect, the fact that she had lived in the shadow of her own lies, her own deception too, and when I listened to her, I accepted the reasons because I loved her… I understood because I had walked the same journey, I had experiences that resonated, and I had lied to cover up my own grief, my own trauma and my own brokenness. I truly and absolutely knew what she had been through, and I never judged her for a moment…
But a new relationship built on the rubble of broken relationships has no foundation of its own… it is in the end destined to fail, for my part I needed to break my own cycle, and that also meant having the courage to speak up about my own life… I knew hers, I had accepted her completely, including every mistake, every part of her brokenness, and in the deepest and darkest moments I had been there to hold her and give all of what I had to give. Not that what I had to give was much in the end…
“Perception is the hardest part of understanding someone”
I guess that in accepting her, I had given her a safe place to land, and as she made the transition to separation and divorce I was there to pick up the pieces and to support and understand, I was there for hours of calls and messages, the support through court and encouragement that she was in the end doing what was right for her… “It’s ok angel, you will get through this, I love you, you are a great mum and a beautiful soul” these words would become my mantra to her… time and time again, reminding her that she was a good person who had made some mistakes and life would come good…
All the time in the background I knew I had my own stuff to fix, my own illness, my own baggage and my own lies and deception to face… Yes, we all have them, moments of fear, “how do I face them and myself, how can I sit with the person I love and ask them to listen to me tell my truth, especially when I am so ashamed of it myself?”
My difficulty in giving to her so completely was there was never time for my story, and in the end, I felt so guilty, so ashamed I just kept hiding from it… Our first 8 months were consumed with her divorce and my need to love her. The horrific journey she had to endure. And it was horrific, even now I am empathic and understand her pain… However, I simply know I ran out of compassion for myself… I just found it harder and harder to face the woman I loved knowing I was not being completely present for her or myself… yes, I was there, but I was not fully at peace with myself, and my own guilt was now eating away at me… The result of all this guilt was inevitable… In 2018 I attempted to take my own life, a total of 5 times… every time attempting to over-dose…. Not a cry for help either, the intent of my OD was to gently leave this place… to stop the guilt eating away at my soul….
Perception of someone who has emotional trauma is that they are toxic, this is absolutely not true, I know how much of a huge heart I have, and how pure my soul is. But, I also know the minute you finally build the courage to tell someone you have depression and are unable to cope, they leave, normally with some kind of abusing or vilification as they walk out of your life… Their perception of you is that you are not worth their time, love or energy. “You are toxic and broken.” I realised that I had given to her what I needed in return, I had understood, not judged and often reminded her that she was the most amazing woman… in return, I was left to fall… This is ok by the way! Because no one but me could do this, I could not change for someone else, I needed to change and heal for me… I had loved someone so deeply that the experience had been life changing, it had forced me to say “Nope, we are not doing it that way anymore”
I have had a pattern in my life over the past 15 years… I have endured depression, often not even knowing that was what was wrong with me, but then I was married to someone who simply told me I was a failure, no matter what I’d achieved professionally… and I was responsible for all of our failure… I have over those years carried the guilt and responsibility like some kind of badge… failing to stand up as a human and do what was needed to free myself from the trauma… I chose to remain in that place, a pattern… My own responsibility and fear, afraid of the consequences that divorce would bring. Instead I chose to live in the shadow of this ex-relationship, thinking I was doing what was right and complying with expectations and demands about the journey, so I could be free of the guilt…
And there we go! How do you build a loving relationship on foundations of rubble? you can’t! And you can not hide it too… not if you want to spend the rest of your life in love with someone special who does resonate with your soul… its impossible to move forward and be free to love,
In the end, no matter how courageous you are, once you hit rock bottom and you shift your life, you have to bounce, and the perception of others is of little consequence. I was left understanding that the person I loved was open to other people, people who were offering their perception of me, not knowing who I am, why I have been so lost, or why I have been so broken and why I have made the mistakes and decisions I have made… None of that makes a difference now, I have bounced, and I am healing again, except this time I have no need to hide myself behind shame, guilt and deception. I don’t need to care about other people’s perception of me. I accept I have had depression and that I am healing, I have made it through that moment free of the need to self-medicate, I don’t take drugs, I do not drink, I have faced myself head on… looking in the mirror every day and reminding myself to be better, be more and be compassionate. I do have a new level of respect for those that do self-medicate. And I understand my own mum now, I understand her journey intimately, the days she drank herself into a stupor, the days she sent us to the liquor store for whisky… If anything, I understand and love her more now for the experiences I have endured myself…. I never understood her decisions, her pain and her guilt until I experienced them myself ~ The Motive 🙏🏼💕