“Leaping or lying”
There is a journey we all take, and if someone looks you in the face and says they have never lied, they are in-fact lying. As I experienced, the journey I have walked has been fraught with moments of complete failure, and the failure has been absolutely imperative in regard to building my capability to understand others. In living the experiences, I have been able to feel and touch the things that impacted the people I have loved.
But how do we truly know? How do we truly understand unless we have walked a mile in the shoes of others. I have no excuses in my life anymore, just examples of the mistakes I made and lessons I have learnt. In the moments of lying to myself and protesting that I needed to be understood. But in that protest, I was not understanding myself. I look back on the past 18 months with huge understanding now, never truly trusting myself to express how I was really feeling. Why? I think it came from not being able to express my situation in words that felt safe. And reflecting I think I probably struggled to create a space that was safe for the soul I was in love with to sit and be safe either. This is systemic of fear and having the courage to admit my situational awareness was failing.
I am not an advocate of defending the choice to lie, but I think we all at some stage choose to lie to protect others, I know that until I started to write the changes to this manuscript and book, I had walked a path of lying to defend others or ware the risk rather than seeing them in pain or under pressure to deal with their trauma and face their truth. I am not making excuses for my behaviour here either, I decided that putting their stuff before my own, or hiding their behaviour in my story was safer for them. It wasn’t.
So, in making the decision to not stay true to myself I had taken a leap, falling from grace, and living in a space of complete duress… I know deep inside of me that my soul is pure, my heart is huge and my ability to offer myself to reduce or remove the pain of others has no bounds, but to do that whilst ripping my own integrity to pieces has been a monumental lesson. I have never wanted to hurt anyone, and as I stood by someone l loved and supported her decisions to protect herself from more hurt, I slowly created more hurt for her and myself. This is the cycle, and its eternally damaging for every soul who experiences it… As I re-write this book, the moods, the past struggles I thought were binding are falling away, the reality is we (People) have a choice. And the only one that really matters is truth. Me? In understanding the impacts my own decision made for people I love, I have opened my heart to healing, slowly, I think that we can support ourselves and others by just standing by them. We can not make excuses, we can not use bad decisions or choices as a reason to protect those we love from the consequences of their actions. It’s not about destroying them as people either, its not about ruining their lives. Its about gently guiding each other on the path of love. On the path of balance and to leap rather than lie…
But I love you
I wanted her to stay, the very last time I looked into her eyes we both felt pain, and deep inside all I wanted was for her to stay, I knew I loved her, and in that feeling of love I wanted to fix us. But what did fixing us look like? I had spent years navigating my own hurt, and that was deeply ingrained in my bones, the feeling of not being enough. There is a real danger in feeling like that, and when you’ve walked through the ending of relationships that were not healthy, and you are an empathic soul, you tend to pick up the noise others will create as your own… I know I did this, not to burden my self on purpose, but to attempt to prevent the other person feeling hurt. But believe me, this choice is one that will totally destroy your own soul, we do not need to carry other people’s stuff, we do not need to make up a story to protect them, and we do not need to implicate ourselves into their story if they are not prepared to own themselves. I did this, I walked this path, over 20 years, I stood there and said the words “But I love you” even when I knew they were falling on deaf ears. As a kid I had endured huge moments of alone. From dealing with laying in hospital after accidents, to waling up from operations and not knowing where I was. Each of these moments has been a lesson, they have helped me face life and understand that I am the only one who can heal myself. Yet I spent years owning the pain of others and quietly justifying carrying their stuff, all in the words “But I love you.”
I don’t believe we just stop loving someone, I don’t believe that we just stop, but in time we eventually realise that the past is the past. My issue with this is the way media has developed the language of “If they are broken leave them” What happened to compassion and understanding? I have read posts, blogs and books that speak the language, “let them go!’ But what if the connection is real? What if there is a truly pure and deep love? Well that also has its language. The depth of the connection called “Soul Mates” or “Twin Flames” I believe that this connection is deeply seated in spiritual connections and is actually real. The difficulty though is how do we manage the conflicting energy? Leave them, and stay connected because of love? The paradox is complex and in many ways soul destroying. I know that in my own journey and especially the last one, I simply wanted the connection to stay for ever… I was and probably am still very much still in love… And I know a part of me still wants to be connected and hold hope… if that is he case, how do we ever move forward and accept that we are now on a journey? More importantly how do we transition? I know that the main failure for me was developing a story that protected others when I should have been protecting my future and the future of the person I was in love with. Yet I still let the embedded deceptions and stories of others impact on the lives I was responsible for nurturing.
In the end we all have a past, the conflicting aspects of who we protect, how we honour previous relationships, including our own with ourselves is complex and in my humble opinion the truth is we must focus on the present,