Relationships? Complex connections that sometimes have expectations in them that are not true or even real….

 

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Relationship! It’s a complex environment, being in a relationship with others, just look at the current undertones in the world today…

My ability to remain balanced in relationship to others was heavily influenced by the noise and trauma from previous connections. One of my great friends in Italy that i have re-connected with has opened my soul to a different perspective… In conversation over the Christmas break she expressed to me how different i am, how my current persona is…… reserved. I responded to this. Saying that my feelings of regret and ownership of my choices has left me reflecting on the impact my actions have had on others. Interestingly her response felt both difficult to accept and positive in the affirmation of who they know me to be.

My relationships when I raced internationally were based on feeling success, even on those weekends when I’d crash or fail to place. Why? Because i was doing something i loved… The ethos of the conversation over Christmas started to peel this onion, what changed???

Well relationships changed…

I realised as I explored the past relationships with friends and those i felt connected to that i had nothing to prove to them, life in those relationships was simple, share the moment, support each other when things got tough and alway attempt to see the positive.

When did this change? You know, I don’t really know if i can put my finger on it i said, I don’t know if i can isolate it to one time or event, but i am attempting to look at that now… but i can say this. Relationships are complex, and they need all kinds of love, all kinds of conversations, and if we are already broken when we enter them we are left struggling to simply be ourselves. So I sat and listened to my friends, after I’d spent hours telling them my own story, the complicated parts of life that I’d created for myself and let others create for me…

Why had i remained married to a person i was not emotionally or spiritually connected to, that was a difficult conversation. Money? Mainly financial i think, the part of me that didn’t want someone else to struggle because a relationship had failed. But we do this… we (people) argue about money, about what (we) built whilst together.. yet when the “shit” hits the fan it also complicates life… this was something i felt stuck in, a space i was not able to extract myself from either… until now… until life was pulled apart in such a way that it could never be put back together in the same way again.

I “realised that this was my reason for such “outlandish” behaviour, to force change, to lose something so precious that it would finally make me shift my own perspective… and in that moment came clarity… in loss comes the freedom to become what ever we need to be to be free….

Days of loving support and gentle conversation between life long friends opened my soul and heart again, I finally forgave myself for the pain, the trauma and for not being fully emotionally available to others… When real friends gently lean in, when they say we still love you and understand why you have struggled and made those mistakes… those moments allow you to forgive yourself too…

The freedom to move on is so important, and as i begin my new journey and close the chapters that hold the fear and trauma of my past, i look back at the good stuff too, I am excited to be looking out to the horizon and feeling peace… sometimes we must ask what relationships mean to us, are we holding on to them or can we let them go… some we will let go of easily, some we will mourn for a lifetime… some we hold hope that in some way they will remain in our orbit… my friends reminded me that we had spent years in different parts of the world, and years not in contact, but over the past months we have reminded each other that our bond is one of great experiences and love…

Relationship? Complex connections that sometimes have expectations in them that are not true or even real…. and sometimes they have potential to become so deep they can endure life on every single level, even when you’ve made some big and horrible mistakes… i found that owning your own mistakes helps, and letting go of things others have done to you brings happiness….

Time heals us all, and in time comes the ability to rationalise life…. I fly out of Australia on Monday, a huge event in my own life, and one that will be quietly experienced as i walk through passport control and leave for my next adventure ~ The Motive

Author: Only One, But a lion!

Only One; But A Lion! Writer, blogger and explorer of life... Writer, blogger and explorer of humanity-single dad-story teller-giver of hugs... wiper of tears- I am imperfect.. but hope is eternal 💕 Exploring the Motive of Conversation, events, who we are and how to heal from trauma... These are my words, from my soul, bound with hope, love and a willingness to share, to open the minds, hearts and souls of others ~ Hope - it’s the best and last of all things ~ The Motive

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